Saturday, December 31, 2011

If you're always racing...

Today is a go nowhere do nothing day. That's one perk of being on medicine that you can't drive while taking... It's about the only perk. I had a sinuplasty on Thursday. I'm feeling pretty good, and hopefully this and the combination of round 5 of antibiotics will cure me of whatever ailment this is... Oh and there's that little thing called weaning. Miserable. But the medicine that I am taking is really dangerous in pregnancy or breastfeeding. So no, it wasn't by choice and I'm a little sad about it, But I feel good about the decision. The Dr. said there was no way that I was going to get better without a strong round of antibiotics, all of which you can't take while nursing. So it was a choice between nursing him or getting better. Ultimately I came to the decision that since I have been sick since he's been born, that it was just too much to continue asking of this little body. And that he's been nursed for almost 5 months and has benefited adequately from the time I did get to nurse, and I need to be better to take care of all 4 babes.  I'm taking the week off from almost everything... I really think that if I could just rest for 2 or 3 days I could get better, But that's just not a reality with 4 little kiddos and a husband that has to hit quotas by the end of the month.
I'm leaving Thursday for Orlando... Remember this...

Disney 1/2? I have resigned myself to the fact that I will be walking it... But I paid way too much money to miss it. And I think that hanging out in a hotel for 3 days and only having to power walk 13.1 miles is WAY more rest than I would normally get at home anyways. So Yes, I'm still going, No, I will not have that 8 1/2 minute mile I expected, but whatever, Why was that such a big deal to me? I know I can run fast. Especially when I'm 100% healthy. However, It's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. There will be more races, There will be another chance to PR... But after 4 months of being sick this is not the time to try and run my heart out. The experience will be the same the Disney magic will still be everywhere... Regardless of if I run it, or walk it.
I'M SLOWLY LEARNING THAT I AM NOT INVISIBLE. My body needs rest and I can't keep pushing through it. That's what I've been trying to do and it's gotten me nowhere, Except for the doctors office, loads of testing, medicine and procedures. So, for the first time in my life, I will be listening to my body, and not my mind. I think that may be the Lords reasoning behind all of this... To teach me to stop being stupid. To slow down and savor the pleasures of life. Laying on the couch and snuggling babies in the morning. Taking a walk and admiring the flowers and humming birds, instead of staring at my watch seeing how much faster I need to run. Skipping the gym every once in a while to have a pajama party with my kiddos. Learning to tell myself, and other people "No."
Not all of the time, But to keep the important things first. Like glowstick parties in the closet.

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